Some of My Laundry List

You know you have been out for a while when you can't remember your account info.

With all of this busyness, I have noticed some trends in myself.  I got distracted from taking care of myself and self-reflection.  As I become more aware of pain and anguish, the release of such emotion becomes more important.  I'm like a teakettle with the whistle stopped up.  However, the steam just doesn't make me cleanly explode.  It seeps out wherever it can.  So, with this pain, anger, and resentment seeping out, I feel guilt for it happening.

I also notice that I handle worry differently.  I still worry and dwell, but not constantly and I don't let it mess me up so badly.  I am slowly becoming more accepting of my fears and worries.  However, I still must learn that what I worry and fear usually doesn't happen or is as bad as I think.

I struggle with my awareness of my thinking and acting behaviors.  The more I realize how codependent, passive, resentful, and insecure I am, the more I dislike of myself.  I have always had a resistance to change, ever since I was quite young.  Somewhere, I learned changing myself meant how I am is worthless.

I must do in order to be worthy.  I must look, think, feel, and act a certain way to be lovable and worthy.  Realizing I have changes to make inflames this harmful thinking.  I know I must find worth in myself right now, because I am worthy and lovable even with my bad habits.  However, as I become more aware of my habits, the more hopelessness I feel in believing I have worth.

Ok, I think that's enough of my laundry list for now.  I've been thinking about the above areas a lot as of late.